I'm LOst..

This is the best phrase that could describe me now.. both socially and mentally, i feel that i simply don't belong..i may have endured the years of hardship with my friends but it feels that as if nothing happened..as if we don't know each other..as if it means nothing to me..the plans i have, i can't explain it but i loss interest to them and as if they disappeared in the thin air..as if i am searching for something but i don't know what it is..as if i want to know the truth but afraid to discover it..as if i want it to last but i don't want to wait..as if i want to believe but it is nothing more but a fairytale..as if i want to be free but i don't want to be alone..as if i want to trust but there is no longer a reason to..both me and my inner personality opposites each others opinions..i may smile in the outside but inside, i am more than confuse than anyone could be..i wanted friends, in fact i could name a lot but my inner self don't trust them..i do trust them, i mean i DID trust them but because of those incidents, part by part they tore it..it was then i have proven, that life itself is a battle field..you need to survive to see a lot more new faces, and sometimes you need to use other's strength to survive..i loss trust on them and to myself..it's hard, but its the truth..i wanted to trust them as i want to trust myself, but i can no longer do it anymore..a lot of things have happened to me and instead of enduring, i became hard..i mean a rock..i could also tell that some of those who i think as my friends, have no trust on me..i have been doing a lot of things for them just to earn that trust, but instead they just ignore me..some are also afraid to tell me the truth, for they are afraid that i may not be able to accept it and that they are concerned of me..but the truth is, they are the ones who turned me into this..a longing wolf who doesn't know where to go or even what to do..i may have told them that they are the best friends (my batch mates) i have, actually i meant those words..i really did..but now..i am ashamed of myself..the fact that, i could not even lay a single hand on their back saying that i'm always here for them..its really hard..i don't know what to do..i wanted to change..i mean, i wanted to be TRUE to them..i wanted to be with them..but my inner self who had experienced a lot tells me not to..i wanted to do things with them and for them, especially to HER, but i don't know what happened to me now..now that my time to decide for my future is fast approaching, i suprisely lost interest..all my life i have been accepting and followed my parent's advice but not this time..i mean, even for just this time, they would let me to decide for myself..i tell you, i myself can't understand but i loss interest in everything..as if i wanted to end ME, to end this meaningless ME..right this moment, i am very confused..i even let my guard down..the reason behind why i sacrificed my feelings for HER is to protect her..with her i am very vulnerable..i'm not telling i wanted to protect myself but i don't want HER to be involved with what my worst could have to offer..i don't want to drag HER to the shadows but instead, i would as i could push here to the bright side..i don't know what to do now..or where i must go..i am lost..like a dog who escaped from his cruel master and lost his collar and now wander around the streets without knowing what to do next or where to go next..i wanted time..to be alone..to think..to fix myself..to decide..to hope..to wait..to do what i must have done a long time ago..but i can't find any chance..and i'm running out of time..all i know is that i am certainly lost..

-=END=-